ERRant on the side of Incaution

You meet up with people you haven’t seen in awhile and up until then you swear to god that you’re sure of yourself. Then you meet up with these people you haven’t seen in awhile, and those people, they’re really sure of themselves. So you start to doubt yourself. Then you question which of you is lying. Next thing you know you’re sitting at dinner exhausted unsure of the validity of everything. Feeling a little too snobbishly pensive for dinner with friends on a Tuesday. You can’t even enjoy the dinner. You second guess the sincerity of every word uttered in every topic of conversation no matter how minuscule. You’re suddenly sniffing the air smelling desperation, and sincerity wondering which of you is really sure. Wondering which of you is delusional and knowing one of you is enviable. Only the crux of it all is that you doubt yourself and the people around you both so much, that you have no idea which is which. SO you smile and say the right things because it gets you out of a conversation that could go so far past the comfortableness of the surface level. You save all the original thoughts for when you are alone. But when you’re alone you’re exhausted. Every emotion that was kept in during dinner is let out and it festers. Next thing you know you’re crying and you have no idea why you’re crying you just know that you are and that it won’t stop. The only thing you know for sure is how unsure of you are everything and it is confusing and it hurts.

That’s when the breathing gets uneven and the sobs and the gasps come in gushes and next thing you know you are suffocating on your own words, thoughts, doubts, and insincerities. The lies you’ve told yourself and others and the lies other selves have told to you engulf you and suck all of the oxygen out of every room you walk into. Big spaces seem too small and small spaces seem too big and nothing feels quite right.

And nothing should feel right, not until you are sure of yourself.

It’s not the fall that kills us; it’s the landing. It is the arriving. Having no where else to go. Down or up. It’s not the fall that kills us; it’s the landing. Really we could fall forever.

Realism vs Pessimism vs Optimism. “I’m not a skeptic, I’m a realist”. I’ve always thought that realist justify their outlook on life and life’s events based on a pattern— In reality this is what has been happening so this is realistically what will happen in the future.— To me the irony has always been in the fact that every time a realist makes a statement about the future it is always bleak and..seemingly pessimistic. 

I pride myself on being an optimist. On thinking that good things happen to good people and that humanity as a whole is inherently good despite all of the evidence to the contrary. But I’m growing weary. I am so tired. My way of seeing the world is ironically a constant uphill battle. People think optimists are numbingly out of touch with reality, that we live in this bubble. That we are forever blindly seeking a light at the end of a never ending tunnel of darkness.

That’s not true. We are not numb or blind.  Being an optimist is hard, and painful, and sad. We have hope, and bars, and expectations, and they’re all high. So when those hopes and bars and expectations aren’t met it’s a pretty long and hard fall. And instead of choosing to lay there we choose to stand up. To push that bar back up, ignore the ache of the previous fall, and find another way to reach new heights.  The fall is painful, the climb is painful, the act of convincing ourselves that there is in fact hope in the future and in humanity is literally gets harder by the second- and that hardship increased exponentially with social media. The entity that allowed everyone to stand behind a wall and shout every dark and closed minded thought they’ve ever had. 

I once read an excerpt from Mother Theresa’s diary. She was questioning her own faith. Her own assurances. Does this mean she lost her faith in the world and in God? I don’t think so, but it’s safe to say her faith wavered at times. She was not always so optimistic about the world. And at the time it kind of hurt me to think that even someone like Mother Theresa could waver in their optimism.

But now I get it. This last year for some reason has shown some very dark sides of people that I so readily placed in high esteem. I saw some dark sides and read and heard some dark thoughts, and my hope for the future of my society wavered. In fact it’s crumbling. Humanity has disgusted me more than it has inspired me of late and it is exhausting to wake up and convince myself that the world is going to changed for the better today. 

Then I think back to Mother Theresa and how even her faith wavered at times. Don’t get me wrong- I am in no way comparing myself to Mother Theresa. In fact I would probably be a reason Mother Theresa questioned her expectations of humanity.  No I am not like Mother Theresa except for the fact that I am a fellow optimist. And I like to see the world in that light.

I’m just saying that it’s been exhausting as of late.

Gun control is a hot button issue right now. Like piping hot. Like hot
dayum hot. I’m not a Quaker, I don’t mind guns. Do I have a problem
with average citizens owning and using the same guns as our military?
Yes. Do I feel that every American has a right to own high capacity
rounds and rapid fire guns? No. But that’s not the point it’s just my
opinion.
The whole country is in agreement that the mass shootings need to be
stopped. One side says ban assault weapons and more funding for mental
health. The other side says hands off our guns we need to do something
about crazy people. And another side is…The NRA- a group whom I
refused to waste words or thoughts on…  I lied- the NRA disgusts me.
I’m a fan of CNN because I think it’s a pretty neutral news source
(fight me if you want). But I occasionally read Fox News as well just
to get a second perspective. OPEN MINDS CHANGE THE WORLD AND AREN’T
MODEST ABOUT IT. So I read some of Fox’s articles and noted some of
their charge words and felt accomplished. Then I saw an article
entitled “What Everyone Needs to Know about our Constitution and Gun
Control.” I have to admit Fox- you intrigued me. TELL ME WHAT I NEED
TO KNOW. And you know what? Fox surprised me. They cited the places in
the constitution that give the President the right to impose an
executive order on gun control…then even listed the Presidents
(Republicans and Democrats alike) that did it. O M G
SO after reading that, here’s my beef:
Gun control is a hot button issue right now. Like piping hot. Like hot
dayum hot. But it’s an even hotter issue because our country is so
polarized. Other countries have had no problem getting “bipartisan”
support on passing gun laws. Other Presidents in THIS COUNTRY from
BOTH PARTIES have been able to get bi-partisan support on gun laws. So
why, after the most horrific mass shooting in US history, can’t we
fucking get bipartisan support for gun laws? What has happened in the
last 4/5 years that has made winning more important than morality? Who
spit in whose sand box that made all the kids not want to play
together anymore?
It’s not just the lack of support for gun laws; it’s the lack of ANY
coherent dual-party plan to stop violence in America. You’ve got
hypocritical, contradictory, statements from the NRA calling for
violent video game regulation right before they themselves release a
violent video game. You’ve got Boehner stamping his foot and saying no
to every plan like a 3 year old who is tired but DOES NOT WANT NAP
TIME. And you’ve got Obama putting the VP in charge of an issue that
in this pathetic day and age of politics NEEDS support from both
sides. Biden is as diplomatic as my right shoe going on my left foot.
I guess my point is- get it the fuck together Washington. Stop playing
the zero sum game of politics Washington and remember that 23 children
were murdered in cold blood on our soil. For god’s sake if Fox news
can publish a non bias article on gun control then I think you guys
can figure this one out.

-King George’s equally tyrannical mistress

If somebody robbed my bank leaving me broke, forcing me to sell my home, leaving me homeless— if somebody did that to me and then got caught I’d expect them to pay me back.
So when the greed of the rich and few robbed hundreds of thousands of Americans of their homes..are they really “bums” and “worthless” and “incompetent” for thinking they deserve their money back?

Since when did being a Democrat mean you’re poor and unemployed? Social Media is making me sick right now.

I’m on the verge..I’m always on the verge. Or the ledge. I’m always on one or the other. The verge of something great. The ledge that separates me from horrible. Where is the sometimes? I’m always on the verge or the ledge and I’m tired of the extremes. Where is the platou? The middle ground? Highs and lows are for the addicts and the manics..and I swear to God I’m clean. But as for the manic part— I can’t guarantee I’m sane. But, in this world of chaos, sane would be the worst thing to be..you’d go crazy.

Point is— I’d like to be in the middle for awhile. Sure I ride the highs and wait out the lows. But I’d love sometime to just be content. On the highs I’m riding the wave, but there’s always the worry of a typhoon in the back of my mind. With the lows I have a hard time seeing past Dashboard Confessional lyrics; “breathing is a foreign task, thinking’s just too much to ask” and yes I’m measuring the minutes.

Yes life is incredible, yet starving.. and insatiable. And I appreciate the lyrics that remind me of that. But where is the part of life that doesn’t require me to think? Sometimes I want to know what I’m gonna get. Sometimes I want to be the dealer instead of playing the hand I’m dealt.

There is no such thing as free will when all of our choices are dependent on factors beyond our control. I can’t help feeling like a puppet..or a singer in a punk rock band.

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting lately, something I a lot of us don’t do nearly enough, and I made some great revelations that I actually happy about discovering. The best way to describe it is that I’ve had a few sleeping masks on in the past 8 years and they’ve made my dreams pretty vivid.

 I wore this one mask all throughout high school. I had this dream where I had to be friends with everyone to feel liked. So I did it. I morphed myself into a person that fit every mold and I loved it. I prided myself on having a lot of friends and being liked. When I got to college some of my new friends tried to wake me up from this dream and ripped my mask off. I put a new one on before I got a glimpse of the actual world. This mask gave some great dreams too. I still had to be liked, but I wanted more, I wanted respect from the people that I respected. How well I was like measured how happy I was and how well I was respected by specific people measured the kind of person I was. The problem with this mask was that it gave me nightmares too. Sometimes I’d find myself in a place where I wasn’t liked or respected. I had to work at getting it all back. So once I returned to my dream like state I threw that mask off and put one on that let me think that those nightmares weren’t that bad, it kept me in a dream so far away that my level of respect and popularity was untouchable. This mask drowned out the whispers that I was once so attuned to. Factors, not people, took this mask off and those factors tried their best to bring me down to earth. But I couldn’t sleep that way.

I shut my eyes so tight until I realized I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t dream, and I broke. I dropped everything but my priority to find a mask that would let me sleep and dream, not the happiest of dreams, but the most distracting ones. Ones that would help me forget the times where my eyes were exposed. I found a few of those masks and they made me forget but they were numbing. I had my dreams but the masks were laced with Novicane. I couldn’t feel anything. That’s not what I wanted.

I disposed of these tainted masks and spent some time with my eyes closed just breathing. Suddenly the real world didn’t seem so blinding. I slowly opened my eyes. For the first time I’m seeing the actuality of the things around me. And they were a combination of some of my past best dreams and my worst nightmares. But there weren’t extremes. It wasn’t a dream or a nightmare. It was a dream with a dark tint to it, it was a nightmare with a silver lining. And here it comes, my epiphany-

The real world isn’t mean to be euphoric. It isn’t this realm of striving to be one perfect entity. It exists to let us know that we’ve been dreaming. To bring light to the disillusioned. For me it exists so I know that it’s unrealistic to like and to be liked by everyone, that I can’t actually have actually respect through my dream like self. Nightmares do what they’re supposed to do, wake us up. So back to reality, this is me grounded.

 It’s not that I need to be this perfect dream like person to be morale. I just need to change my raw unmasked self. Of course I want to be respected, especially by those whom I hold in high esteem. But they’re idealized in my dreams. I can’t base every action of mine on what they might think about it. So there’s my epiphany. I’m awake and when I sleep it’s the real me; flawed, changing, and bettering, that wakes up aware and truly rested.

Kind of realizing all these events happened last week..but I want to talk about them anyway. So much for concise.

Aurora Colorado. A tragedy happened.

Never have I ever seen so many facebook posts, tweets, and pictures of NRA propaganda**. Really? Is this really the time to rally the gun lovers of this country? “We’ve got a right to protect our second amendment right”. Cool. Tell that to the 12 dead and 64 wounded. 

I try to be open minded. I’m not a huge fan of guns but I get why people keep small handguns in their drawers, I understand why people like to hunt with riffles, although bow and arrows seem like they’d have the primitive feel. But I don’t think anyone can ever justify to me why an average citizen should ever own/need a semi automatic weapon. 2nd Amendment or not.

I’m all about the constitution. I spent 5 months studying just the framework and that might be the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I love the Amendments, they keep me from blogging without being lynched (God Bless the South). But G D the Constitution is a living document. Amendments like the sacred Second are it’s life line’s. They allow it to evolve with time. So let it.

Some call regulating guns an encroachment on a basic liberty. But I’m pretty sure the right to not be shot at with a weapon designed for mass bullet output is a little higher on the list.

-Getting of my high horse..with my hands up so please..don’t shoot

** I hate that I used the word propaganda 

There are so many things that have happened this week that I don’t where to start. I also don’t know at what point the length of my blog becomes so off putting that no one attempts to read it. I’ll try to be concise. 

SO Chic-Fil-e. I know that this is last weeks news but for me the controversy happened today. My not so bright brother in law made a facebook post saying that Chic-Fil-E had every right to outwardly voice it’s opinion about homosexuals, and that he and the rest of our armed forces are fighting everyday to protect our right to free speech.. like Chic-Fil-E exercised..and that people shouldn’t boycott Chic-Fil-E.. because their chicken is still good..and because boycotts have been proven to not work..

Wait a sec. Boycotts don’t work? Can anyone else feel the ground shaking from Rosa Parks to summersaults in her grave? #1. Yes Chic-Fil-E does have the freedom to say whatever they want..just as my bro in law has the freedom to post idiotic thoughts on facebook..but that doesn’t mean either of them should. I’m not business major but I’d like to think I know the etiquette, and I think rule number one is don’t piss off the customers. Chic-Fil-E got what was coming to them. #2. God Bless the Troops but if I asked any of them what they’re serving for I don’t think anyone would say, “for freedom, prosperity, ..and the goodness of chicken sandwiches.” #3. Could a business major of any sort explain to me how lack of business generates more revenue? Lastly, just because we have the freedom of speech doesn’t mean we should utter every errant thought we’ve ever had (thank god) and then hide behind the constitution.

Bawk Bawkk

That awkward moment when republicans realize that the main provisions they have a problem with in Obama’s health care bill came from Mitt Romney’s universal health care bill in Massachusetts..

There isn’t anything in the world I hate more than ignorant people.

You grow up, you change, we all like to think that we’re evolving..but are we? I think we spend so much time wrapped up in the person that we are, that we forget certain amazing aspects of the person we used to be. I’m 22..I’d like to think that I’m so much older and more mature than I was at 18 etc, But am I? I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ve managed to surround myself with people who make me feel comfortable being the slight degenerate that I think I might be. 

But is that so bad? People like me. I like me. Or..I did like me until this morning. I met up with an old friend, someone who brought out the best and saw the best in the old me. Genuine is what I’m struggling with. Am I the cheap synthetic leather that’s massed produced and people buy it because it’s cheap but effective? …That came out a lot sluttier than intended. Or am I the genuine leather, that people have to invest in because they know it’s real and long lasting..now I’m starting to sound like a Trojan ad. The POINT is I’m at an impasse..with pigskin..and it’s a toss up..pun intended. 

Moral of my immoral story is that I realize that I can’t please everyone..including myself. You either want synthetic or authentic..or if you’re with PETA you want a ball made out of tofu. 

But hey at the end of the day, at least i’m—-Punny

Romney totally stomps on Obama’s quote about needing more teachers, firefighter, and police men…by saying that the notion was CRAZAY and we need less government control. SO chaos from lack of policing, a stupider constituency, and more holidays for pyros. But thank GOD that we are cutting back on government control. It’s clearly proved detrimental to the progression of our society. 

-Go Wisconsin… … wait

It’s campaign season. Both sides are ready to go to war over who can better run this country. The problem is we’re taxing this bracket and not that. The problem is abortion. The problem is gun control. The problem is our president isn’t a citizen. The problem is Mitt Romney is a polygamist.

In reality, and this is based off my less than four years and elementary political knowledge, the problem is Polarity. When did compromise make someone look weak? Republican or Democrat or Libertarian or Green party, they’re all just trying to do the same thing. Make our country better. And none of the leaders of these parties are all together stupid..it’s basically a requirement to have some kind of Ivy degree. But really, preach to me with your undergrad knowledge about how this side is stupid or that side is dumb. They’re not dumb they’re polarized.

I liked Mitt Romney for a grand total of 2 seconds because he was toeing the double yellow line between both ways of the road. But to win he had to be ultra conservative. WHY. Ultra anything isn’t working right now. Our founding fathers spent 4 months trying to create this country. And if they were ANYTHING like who we are now..we’d still be writing the first line of the constitution. No one 300 years ago got everything they wanted…why should we think that it’s ok now? Let’s repaint this double yellow we’ve painted in our road toward national success. Let’s bring back the dotted lines that allow some flexibility and let’s us drive on the other side for awhile.

In the end it will get us where we’re going quicker.

I’m pretty open minded. I respect the fact that people have different political and ideological views. And I try really hard (with the occasional slip up) to not be pious or condescending when listening to the 180 of what I believe…why can’t people follow my beautiful (and humble) lead?

Fact of the matter is there people on both sides that are so ignorant they know exactly what’s eating Gilbert Grape.

Being a Democrat or a Liberal doesn’t make a person stupid, just like being a Republican or a conservative does not make you smart. In fact if anything it probably makes you a little close minded. (I say that as open-mindedly as possible)**

I see all of these people posting things about drug tests for welfare, ef Obama, socialism is taking my money, repeal Obamacare, etc.

Back Up. I’m 22. Most of my friends are around that age. They’re talking as if they’re in the minority 1%. NONE OF US ARE IN THAT 1%. In fact we’re all 22..so last Saturday night when you got your stomach pumped and only had to pay your $10 copay bc daddy’s health insurance covered you, that was thanks to your socialist president who extended the age of coverage from 21 to 26…fucking Marxists right?

In my life it seems that the people bitching about current public policy are the people who it is helping the most at the moment. The government isn’t taking all of your money because you don’t have any. You want to complain about the government encroaching on your freedoms..except when it comes to being pro choice..There a fallacies on both sides of the spectrum people, nobody’s perfect.

Point of this rant is-you want to bitch and complain make sure you’re looking to the left and not just the right because traffics coming from both ways. And don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Sincerely, Moderate

**open-mindly is not a real word

But in all honesty..neither is Obamacare

“If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater the effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders—what would you tell him to do?”
 ”I … don’t know. What … could he do? What would you tell him?”
 ”To shrug.”

Atlas Shrugged is a beautiful book about what happens when the world tries to regulate brilliance. The great minds say ef you to the regulations and take their ideas somewhere else. They blacked out the world. And here it is, in real life. For everyone who said Ayn Rand was way too extreme..look around you. Internet moguls such as Google, Wikipedia, Tumblr they’re protesting. They’re leaving. THEY’RE SHRUGGING.

So what happens to the World when our Atlas goes away? We’re going to crumble. SOPA is the first of many straws the will undoubtedly break the brilliant camel’s back. Atlas’s knees are buckling and he’s saying screw it. Let’s bring our Atlas’, our John Galts, back.

That being said peace out tumblr. I’m shrugging.

When I was 12 my grandfather died..it really didn’t phase me. We had no emotional attachment and he didn’t like me very much. I think it was because I stole one of his favorite chocolates once and he caught me red handed. It also might have been because I was black. Point is at 12 I didn’t really understand death/how to act/how to act around other people who were actually upset.. My older sister on the other hand did not take it at all.

One day a few months after he passed, my sister and I got into a really big argument. (Keep in mind the fact that I was 12 and she was 19). She was screaming at me, I said a smart ass comment that had something to do with our recently deceased grandfather. It apparently struck a nerve because her retort was “what you you know, you didn’t even cry at his FUCKING funeral”…Without missing a beat I replied without any trace of validity that; “My grief was beyond tears”…She gave me a puzzled ‘Who the hell are you’ stare and just walked away.

I got that line from the 4th Harry Potter book that I had read more than a few times..When Cedric Diggory’s body was brought back to Hogwarts his father’s sadness was described as “grief beyond tears” (Rowling, JK HP.4).

Now as I think back to that day and that line, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s probably something wrong with me…but my reading comprehension scores must have been off the charts in elementary school.

I was driving behind a car yesterday and it had two bumper stickers on it that made me laugh..in a dark, sinister, what the hell is this country coming to, kind of way. One of the stickers was a blatant anti-abortion, pro choice piece of right wing propaganda (I’m not bias at all). The other sticker had the ‘word’ “ObamaCare” on it in the middle of a no smoking sign- excuse my utter lack of imagery, I hope you still get the picture. Point is..I wanted to ram my car into the back of this car, then I wanted to get out, apologize insincerely and ask for a pen and paper to jot down my information. Under my information I just wanted to write one word, then hop back into my car and keep ramming the car in front of me until my car stopped working. And the word I wanted to write was/is CONTRADICTION.

You cannot take away a woman’s right to abortion then ALSO turn around and say fuck you, you’re having this baby, and absolutely no one is going to help you get medical care to do it. And what about the child/infant/fetus? Hey yea we brought you into this world with out anti abortion beliefs, but after that you’re on your on your mother’s dime..or lack thereof.

Point is America- you want to be anti-abortion then you’ve got to be pro healthcare. They’re not mutually exclusive. And to you religious extremists who are also republicans..I don’t think the man up top would commend you on a job half assed done. You can’t have your pro life views and abort free health care. Jesus Christ. Even Jesus Christ was offered the ancient version of free health care.

-Amen

Ps. Its my body and imma do what i want.

I was very put off about posting about the Penn State situation again—even when I found out that Joe Paterno was fired last night.

That was until a HS alum of mine posted a quote on facebook saying that some of the victims said that they wished that they had been asked their opinion on sacking Joe and that they were upset that it happened DOT DOT DOT

Now I’m a little upset for a few reasons. 1. I have a very hard time believing that any of that is true, but for argument’s sake lets say it is true and move to reason 2. If I were one of the few victims of a sexual abuse case that led to the firing of one of the nation’s most beloved football coaches i think that my-probably already a little hyper paranoid- self would want to say WHATEVER I could to make sure my house didn’t get burned down. 3. Joe Paterno broke no laws..except a moral code that separates us from animals- because of him child abuse continued for years..he should not collect a pension after that.not to mention the fact that he’s ALREADY a millionaire so what has he really lost? Pretty sure he was allowed to keep his childhood innocence. 4. LASTLY you want to say that the victims don’t want Joe fired? You say he’s the one receiving injustice..I’d love to see any of you students hiding behind your facebook statuses to go up and say that to the face of that little boy in the shower 12 years ago.

Sincerely,

Perspective

It has been brought to my attention by some unruly Penn State Fans that the We Are Penn state saying stemmed from a boycott of the segregated cotton bowl in the 1940’s, the school was proud of not playing and the birth of We Are Penn State occurred..which further proves my point. Another situation in which a proud school overcame adversity. Thank you for this info Penn State, I can now say that you have equated your school’s commendable act for civil rights 60 years ago, to the current sex scandal cover up involving your athletic department. The saying remains the same..not sure about the meaning behind it.

I keep reading people’s statuses that have some miraculous quote or statement that ends with “WE ARE PENN STATE” (note the added douche baggery of ALL CAPS). Anyway I keep reading these things and I want to write a letter to Skype or Mark Zuckerberg begging them to come up with a way for me to smack people via web chat..’WE ARE PENN STATE’?? Really?

Not to speak for everyone but the first time I heard the “We Are” slogan it was for the movie ‘We Are Marshall”..about a plane crash..that killed an entire football team. The second time I heard the We Are quote was “We are Va Tech” or “We are All Hokies”..because a gun men went on a killing spree across their campus and the thousands of grieving students needed to feel some semblance of hope and unity and they got that through football. And I commend them, I commend Marshall and Tech for rallying around football and rising through adversity at its highest degree. But WE ARE PENN STATE

No. I’m sorry, you don’t get to equate your sex scandal cover up to the actual tragedies that occurred at other schools. People would give anything to walk to up the shooter at Tech spit on his face and say “We are Virginia Tech”. But what Penn State is doing with that saying is taking it and going up to those little boys, spitting on them and saying “We are Penn State”.  Marshall and Tech found hope by playing for the fallen. Penn State is blatantly ignoring the fallen and calling it unity. Sorry Penn State, your self proclamation is meaningless to me, you say you ARE Penn State, but you are NOT respected for it.

Is there a universal moral code out there that we’re all supposed to live by?

Integrity? - Lying is the currency of the world

Character?- Who are we to say who we are?

Compassion?- People have had it worse but people have had it a hell of a lot better

Morality is what brings us closer to “the Good Life”?- What the hell is the good life? It ranges from purity to sex, drugs, and rock and roll

Sets of “universal standards” were created so self righteous people could feel self rightous.

Why don’t we all set standards for our own self and not worry about everyone else and their self.

Now that’s righteous..dude

I’m sitting here in a Starbucks at 4:30 am taking a break from homework in an attempt to write something more meaningful than the 10 pages of notes I just took. And I find myself blocked. For once I have no witty remarks, no sarcastic comments, I’m just being. Have you ever sat back, closed your eyes, and tried to think of absolutely nothing? I have and it is such a great feeling, but it is so fleeting. I don’t think I’ve ever been free of any thought for more than 15 seconds. The thought of that thought is actually a little depressing.

To quote one of the best characters played by one of the best actors (in my critically claimed opinion), Tom Hanks in Forest Gump, was asked he wanted to be when he grew up (granted he was in his 20’s at this point). He replied “Who am I going to be? Aren’t I going to be me?”

Great point Forest. The IQ of 75 hit it right on the mark. When did it become so bad to just be us? When did being content get mixed up with being complacent? When did I start thinking it was cool to blog in question form? But really, I have spent so much time thinking about what I want to be when I “grow up”. And now I realized I’ve been outwitted by the dimwitted. What I really should be worried about is being me. All facades and impressions aside, why can’t I just be? Screw the Beatles- yep I said it, we should not whisper words of wisdom and “let IT be” instead we need to take a second close our eyes and let US be.

You’re welcome self.

I’m feeling pretty rebellious right now. I just posted a controversial facebook status AND called out an idiot for calling Mark Zuckerberg an incompetent Jew..I just couldn’t leave that alone. But who am I kidding.. a facebook status? Commenting on some other kid’s facebook status? That makes me a pretty big tool. If I’ve got something to say why shouldn’t I just come out and say it? So here it is:

People are sheep. The media is our shepherd, and Jesus Christ is a super star (maybe not to Mark Zuckerberg). But we’re not just normal sheep that are just easily led, we’re tainted sheep, we’ve mutated. Somewhere in our evolution we tasted blood and now we’re on a frenzy. But here’s where it gets tricky- We’re sheep, that freak out when we smell blood, but we don’t REALLYYY know what blood smells like. We just listen to our shepherd, they say “hey this latest headline is what blood smells like” and the frenzy begins. - Posters and Protesters, status updates, article “likes”, CNN Retweets, MSNBC retweets if your batting lefty. So we smell blood, we freak out, but in reality WHO REALLY CARES. We’re sheep, we don’t eat meat, blood isn’t really appealing, we just have a really shitty shepherd who tells us it is.

So lets quit with the herding, and the conforming, and just admit that all we really care about is eating grass. Take our wool but for god’s sake leave us our brains.

That being said..FREE TROY DAVIS

-Bahhh

I went on ratemyprofessor.com  today and I was looking up some of my teachers for the up coming year. You might be thinking that it’s a little weird for me to be looking my teachers up now, actually if you’re a true friend, you won’t be wondering because you would know that Wilbur and Babe would be soaring across my windows before I ever registered anywhere close to on time. Fact of the matter is..I just picked my schedule 3 days ago. So I’m looking up the ratings and reading the comments of one professor and I’m peeing my undies a little. It says she’s difficult, strict, unorganized, her overall rating is a 2.5..SHIT. Part of me regrets A. picking her B. registering so late that I didn’t really have a choice in “picking” her.

THEN I look at how the rating is broken down. There are 4 categories, overall quality, helpfulness, clarity, and easiness. I see she’s rated in the low 2’s for the first three categories. BUT lo and behold, hallelujah, praise the teachers pet, her easiness is 3.8…..A 3.8. That is over a full number higher than her overall ranking. At first I am thrilled, then I think..what the hell. Who the EF cares about quality, helpfulness, clarity?? All I and really want to know from this flipping website is whether I’m going to halfheartedly (anymore effort just isn’t feasible) get an A or B .

So to all of the tools who wrote detailed comments on Prof. Taylors ratemyprofessor page, put a lid on it. She’s EASY I’m sure you got an A stop whining and start giving me helpful information.

Sincerely,

The hardest working corner cutter you will ever know.

I’m on facebook today and someone posted a link titled “Selfless Dog Displays Amazing Altruism in Chile”. I honest to god thought it was an Onion headline. I laughed a little because I knew that the person posting it would not know what Onion Headlines are…

Then I clicked the link. It was a real link. That was a real headline. SELFLESS Dog displays amazing ALTRUISM. How? Are dogs dogs capable of being selfish? Are the capable of knowing that they’re being selfish/selfless? Do they withhold from crapping in the corner out of the goodness of their heart? Maybe we should ask Pavlov..Or Clifford

Sidenote- looked up Altruism in the dictionary and became a little bitter.

2nd definition in Webster’s for Altruism- “Zoology: behavior of an animal the benefits others at own’s expense”

Jokes on me.

I was working today in the weight room and the basketball team walks in. I recognize most of them but there are some new faces. Normally I pay no attention because the basketball players are typically black and I am terrified of the BBC. But there was this one REALLY cute one that was freshman. I quickly do the potential age differences in my head while humming the tune of “Mrs. Robinson”. Then I started thinking back to my historical 3 years of college to remember if anyone had ever done anything like this and if I had made fun of them or not. 

Finally I decide that- hey I’ve been feeling pretty old lately, I recently discovered that Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” release date was almost a decade ago-..talk about depressing. That made me feel ancient, not to mention the fact that I ran yesterday and now my hip joints hurt, and I’m 63% sure that my shoulder aches when it’s about to start raining. So I decide that maybe what I need to put some spring in my step is to maybe get my flirt on with this  young MAN. It’s time to test out the cougar in me.

Then he walks up and smiles and asks if I like the music playlist (which was not Nelly or Mrs. Robinson) ..and I see he has braces. Which is a deterrent, but not as much of a deterrent as the fact that he has COLORED braces. You know the colored rubber bands we used to ask our orthodontist for in middle school…a DECADE ago. After seeing I felt a little disgusted with myself..

Moral of this story; there is a fine line between cougarism ..and pedophilia. 

I’m really obsessed with Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Although The Fountainhead was made into a movie a long while ago, I still have yet to watch it. However, when Atlas Shrugged came out in theaters I was there within days..and I LOVED it. Ayn Rand gets a lot of heat because she believes that altruism is crippling to the spirit, although it is not so black and white even for her. I understood people disagreed but I try to never let the haters phase me.

Until Stephen Colbert became a hater.

He commented on Atlas Shrugged during one of his shows. I was crestfallen because I love Stephen Colbert…I even found myself chuckling at the roast he put on and then felt immediately guilty. How can one person have so many conflicting feelings? How am I not going to burst at the seams? My favorite comedian/republicrat hating on the book that altered my very being? I just feel so torn diary, the guilt, the turmoil, the hate. Where is the love diary? Who is John Galt?

People need to stop mistaking my messiness for hoarderness ..but better that than mistaking it for whorishness 

One of chosen congressmen caught trying to sneak a pic of Osama photos on IPhone

So its the day after Osama Bin Laden was killed and as I’m driving to school, I’m listening to the radio. And the Dj goes “a lot of big things have happened over the weekend”. I’m thinking, ok they’re going to brush up on the Royal Wedding but it’s mainly going to be about us giving Bin Laden a face lift via AK-47.. I was wrong on both counts. He goes “Osama Bin Laden was killed last night but we’ll get to that in a second, right now I want to talk about Mariah Carey having twins!”. I drive waiting for him to say “jk”, or “sike”, or “I’m an idiot”. But he proceeds to talk about Mariah Carey’s twins….

ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Lets hold off on talking about the death of the man responsible for the deaths of 3,000 Americans, we have to focus on the twins of Mariah, twins that are doomed to have Voldemort type noses and mediocre acting careers. Twins of once stars trumps Royal Wedding trumps THE DEATH OF OSAMA BIN LADEN. Hats off to Mariah and Nick, holding off on naming your babies took the attention off of the assassination of the best terrorizing hide and go seeker in the world, and put it on your nameless, noseless children.

FURTHERMORE: God Bless America 

People instruct others to live life with no regrets, if I asked half of my friends what their life philosophy is they would say “to have no regrets”. I don’t understand…how can we say that we aren’t perfect and then not have regrets? To me a regret is something that if given the chance to go back and change something, I’d go back and change it. People say everything happens for a reason, that might be so, but sometimes the reasons don’t outweigh the action. I.e. - the Holocaust, 9-11, the terrible decisions I’ve made on tequila. Lessons have come from of tragedies but that doesn’t make them any less tragic just as regrets don’t make the lesson any less beneficial.

I constantly find myself regretting decisions, boys, nights, weekends, semesters. I hear me telling myself “you shouldn’t have done that, you should NOT have done that” quite frequently. And you know what? I can look back on most of those ” I shouldn’t have done that” moments a year later and still think “jeezus you should NOT have done that” AND I still fail to see what good or reasoning came from them. I live in a sea of regret (heightened by alcohol and similar poor life choices). So I live in this sea of regret, but I’m not drowning, and I’m not in denial thinking that I’m standing on dry land. If anything I have sea legs and I’m embracing the regret. Which I guess means I’m embracing my poor life choices…making me regret writing this entire post.

So I’m sitting in my Women and Work class (no I didn’t take it by choice, yes it is slowly killing me) and my teacher is talking about gender roles and how primetime television is setting women back hundreds of thousands of year, we’re talking Flintstone age. And most of the class nodded in agreement..I had been biting my tongue so hard all class it was starting to bleed. I objected this comment and said Grey’s Anatomy was a show that countered that argument, and this other girl was like YEA same with Real Housewives. And I’m like YEA..even though I’ve never seen the show and dislike like 98% of all reality TV. THEN this Man interjects and goes “jesus (how politically incorrect sir!) don’t you guys watch anything of value?? War is breaking out all over the Middle East, turn on CNN for once.” … … .  < the dots are for emphasis

WOAH BUDDY. CNN is depressing..news is depressing…The World is depressing. I’m sorry that I don’t want to sit down at 9pm and watch how depressing the world is. Yes I read CNN daily..I consider myself to be mildly informed, goddammit I’m an intellectual..Monday-Thursday —between the hours of 9am-8pm. But yes you will catch me sitting in front of the TV like a 3 year old legs crossed wondering when McDreamy will proposed to Dr. Grey. God forbid I miss CNN’s latest update and don’t catch it until the next morning. The news will always be there, Meredith and Derek’s love is fleeting.

Point is if indulging in these stereotypical, gender role influencing, sitcoms means I’ve set myself back to the Stone Age..so be it. Betty Rubble was pretty cool, and I have a weird fetish for dinosaurs…and Fred Flintstone .

Self Oriented towards the good- but what is the good?

There is no shame in wanting to live

I like philosophy, I like to question, I like to hear answers. I like to see how many times I can say “I” in the span of a blog. In all honesty though I like keeping an open mind. To listen and possibly dispute or maybe just think about someone’s response to a question I asked, or a new declaration of a belief I’ve developed from reading Descartes, or Camus, or Ayn Rand, or…Dr. Seuss.

I’m taking a class that compares and contrasts faith and reason and how they’ve shaped how we think. To be honest 4 weeks into the class and it is a day to day struggle to attempt to figure out how those two are NOT mutually exclusive. If something has logical explanation I guess you could faith in it..but then what about distinguishing faith from belief? When do those 2 flirt and breakup with each other?  I don’t see what’s reasonable about faithing in something with no explanation other than “just go with it”. 

Listen Pastor if I always just “went with it” I’d need a liver transplant, and bigger car to carry all the children I’ve birthed.. I’m not rebellious, but I’m not all together submissive. It’s going to take more than a belief that I’ll go to heaven after, for me to drink the red punch. And sorry Neo I definitely would have taken the Blue Pill.. That doesn’t mean I don’t all together believe in the Matrix..it just means I won’t faith it on what the big black guy in sunglasses is telling me. Is it oxymoronic of me to want to base my faith off of reason, to finally see the correlation my professor is trying to teach me?

I guess my question to my whopping 5 followers is.. do people believe because they actually believe? Do they believe to ensure their entry to the pearly white gates? Or is there a logic I’m missing. I’m debating emailing my Professor and asking him if he could let me know when I’m supposed to feel enlightened. And if I’m supposed to find God in the white board..or on the corner of First and Amistad.

I’ve gotten into the habit of jokingly saying “I hate you” when mildly frustrated or at loss for words in a slightly annoying way. Point is I never mean it or even think I mean it when I say it. My friends understand that..it’s from them where I got the phrase from anyway.

But then my 6 year old sister did something that irked me only slightly and I exasperatedly said “I hate you”. She looked crestfallen. And just walked away. At first I didn’t think anything of it..mainly because I’m 20 and self absorbed. Then maybe 3 minutes later she comes back and goes “do you really hate me?” …In those 3 mins I had even forgotten I’d said it, and when I remembered I felt terrible.

Point is hate is a strong word…to sound cliche. Not only should we be self aware but we should also be aware and mindful of other people. Especially if we’re apart of the very important mold that craft their lives.

What draws us to certain people? How do we choose our friends? Everyone has different traits to look for, and for me I have expectations. But my expectations are not objective, they’re subjective.  If I choose to be friends with them I subconsciously figure out just how close I want to be with them. There are different levels to friendship, the superficial level- which is more of a convenience than a friendship. A middle level where you enjoy hanging out with them but I have no desire to dwell any deeper. Then there’s that last level for me.

That last level is a very small circle and I have expectations. To me that circle is a magnifying glass. I scrutinize everyone in that circle to make sure they meet my expectations. To me this level of friendship requires certain traits , it shows the few things I love in humanity, the light and optimism I have is sparked by it.  But like the sun does to a true magnifying glass, my light and scrutiny can set fire to my circle. And I watch my passion go up in flames waiting to see who crawls through the burdening smoke of my expectations. I’d like to think of it as a cleansing process- if you can withstand the flame of my expectations then I consider you a true friend. Only problem is my cleansing process sounds borderline Holocaustic. So do I get a thinner magnifying glass and lessen my expectations? When the bar’s lowered more people make it over and I won’t find myself inhaling fumes of disappointment. Maybe I’d be happier without a cleansing process….Hitler did kill himself in the end.

—Sincerely,

Pompous