You meet up with people you haven’t seen in awhile and up until then you swear to god that you’re sure of yourself. Then you meet up with these people you haven’t seen in awhile, and those people, they’re really sure of themselves. So you start to doubt yourself. Then you question which of you is lying. Next thing you know you’re sitting at dinner exhausted unsure of the validity of everything. Feeling a little too snobbishly pensive for dinner with friends on a Tuesday. You can’t even enjoy the dinner. You second guess the sincerity of every word uttered in every topic of conversation no matter how minuscule. You’re suddenly sniffing the air smelling desperation, and sincerity wondering which of you is really sure. Wondering which of you is delusional and knowing one of you is enviable. Only the crux of it all is that you doubt yourself and the people around you both so much, that you have no idea which is which. SO you smile and say the right things because it gets you out of a conversation that could go so far past the comfortableness of the surface level. You save all the original thoughts for when you are alone. But when you’re alone you’re exhausted. Every emotion that was kept in during dinner is let out and it festers. Next thing you know you’re crying and you have no idea why you’re crying you just know that you are and that it won’t stop. The only thing you know for sure is how unsure of you are everything and it is confusing and it hurts.
That’s when the breathing gets uneven and the sobs and the gasps come in gushes and next thing you know you are suffocating on your own words, thoughts, doubts, and insincerities. The lies you’ve told yourself and others and the lies other selves have told to you engulf you and suck all of the oxygen out of every room you walk into. Big spaces seem too small and small spaces seem too big and nothing feels quite right.
And nothing should feel right, not until you are sure of yourself.