ERRant on the side of Incaution

The Insincerities and the Self Assurances needed to Breathe

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 20:01:00 -0400

You meet up with people you haven’t seen in awhile and up until then you swear to god that you’re sure of yourself. Then you meet up with these people you haven’t seen in awhile, and those people, they’re really sure of themselves. So you start to doubt yourself. Then you question which of you is lying. Next thing you know you’re sitting at dinner exhausted unsure of the validity of everything. Feeling a little too snobbishly pensive for dinner with friends on a Tuesday. You can’t even enjoy the dinner. You second guess the sincerity of every word uttered in every topic of conversation no matter how minuscule. You’re suddenly sniffing the air smelling desperation, and sincerity wondering which of you is really sure. Wondering which of you is delusional and knowing one of you is enviable. Only the crux of it all is that you doubt yourself and the people around you both so much, that you have no idea which is which. SO you smile and say the right things because it gets you out of a conversation that could go so far past the comfortableness of the surface level. You save all the original thoughts for when you are alone. But when you’re alone you’re exhausted. Every emotion that was kept in during dinner is let out and it festers. Next thing you know you’re crying and you have no idea why you’re crying you just know that you are and that it won’t stop. The only thing you know for sure is how unsure of you are everything and it is confusing and it hurts.

That’s when the breathing gets uneven and the sobs and the gasps come in gushes and next thing you know you are suffocating on your own words, thoughts, doubts, and insincerities. The lies you’ve told yourself and others and the lies other selves have told to you engulf you and suck all of the oxygen out of every room you walk into. Big spaces seem too small and small spaces seem too big and nothing feels quite right.

And nothing should feel right, not until you are sure of yourself.

It’s not the fall that kills us; it’s the landing. It is the arriving. Having no where...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 09:51:34 -0400

It’s not the fall that kills us; it’s the landing. It is the arriving. Having no where else to go. Down or up. It’s not the fall that kills us; it’s the landing. Really we could fall forever.

"I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying..."

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 19:04:53 -0500

““I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I’m in love with you.””

- John Green, “The Fault in Our Stars” (via littlestthespian)

"If no other in the world be aware I sit content, / and if each and all be aware I sit content"

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 15:24:00 -0500

“If no other in the world be aware I sit content, / and if each and all be aware I sit content”

- Whitman

Mommy T and Me

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:01:58 -0500

Realism vs Pessimism vs Optimism. “I’m not a skeptic, I’m a realist”. I’ve always thought that realist justify their outlook on life and life’s events based on a pattern— In reality this is what has been happening so this is realistically what will happen in the future.— To me the irony has always been in the fact that every time a realist makes a statement about the future it is always bleak and..seemingly pessimistic.

I pride myself on being an optimist. On thinking that good things happen to good people and that humanity as a whole is inherently good despite all of the evidence to the contrary. But I’m growing weary. I am so tired. My way of seeing the world is ironically a constant uphill battle. People think optimists are numbingly out of touch with reality, that we live in this bubble. That we are forever blindly seeking a light at the end of a never ending tunnel of darkness.

That’s not true. We are not numb or blind. Being an optimist is hard, and painful, and sad. We have hope, and bars, and expectations, and they’re all high. So when those hopes and bars and expectations aren’t met it’s a pretty long and hard fall. And instead of choosing to lay there we choose to stand up. To push that bar back up, ignore the ache of the previous fall, and find another way to reach new heights. The fall is painful, the climb is painful, the act of convincing ourselves that there is in fact hope in the future and in humanity is literally gets harder by the second- and that hardship increased exponentially with social media. The entity that allowed everyone to stand behind a wall and shout every dark and closed minded thought they’ve ever had.

I once read an excerpt from Mother Theresa’s diary. She was questioning her own faith. Her own assurances. Does this mean she lost her faith in the world and in God? I don’t think so, but it’s safe to say her faith wavered at times. She was not always so optimistic about the world. And at the time it kind of hurt me to think that even someone like Mother Theresa could waver in their optimism.

But now I get it. This last year for some reason has shown some very dark sides of people that I so readily placed in high esteem. I saw some dark sides and read and heard some dark thoughts, and my hope for the future of my society wavered. In fact it’s crumbling. Humanity has disgusted me more than it has inspired me of late and it is exhausting to wake up and convince myself that the world is going to changed for the better today.

Then I think back to Mother Theresa and how even her faith wavered at times. Don’t get me wrong- I am in no way comparing myself to Mother Theresa. In fact I would probably be a reason Mother Theresa questioned her expectations of humanity. No I am not like Mother Theresa except for the fact that I am a fellow optimist. And I like to see the world in that light.

I’m just saying that it’s been exhausting as of late.

Washington Outfoxed

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 16:27:52 -0500

Gun control is a hot button issue right now. Like piping hot. Like hot
dayum hot. I’m not a Quaker, I don’t mind guns. Do I have a problem
with average citizens owning and using the same guns as our military?
Yes. Do I feel that every American has a right to own high capacity
rounds and rapid fire guns? No. But that’s not the point it’s just my
opinion.
The whole country is in agreement that the mass shootings need to be
stopped. One side says ban assault weapons and more funding for mental
health. The other side says hands off our guns we need to do something
about crazy people. And another side is…The NRA- a group whom I
refused to waste words or thoughts on… I lied- the NRA disgusts me.
I’m a fan of CNN because I think it’s a pretty neutral news source
(fight me if you want). But I occasionally read Fox News as well just
to get a second perspective. OPEN MINDS CHANGE THE WORLD AND AREN’T
MODEST ABOUT IT. So I read some of Fox’s articles and noted some of
their charge words and felt accomplished. Then I saw an article
entitled “What Everyone Needs to Know about our Constitution and Gun
Control.” I have to admit Fox- you intrigued me. TELL ME WHAT I NEED
TO KNOW. And you know what? Fox surprised me. They cited the places in
the constitution that give the President the right to impose an
executive order on gun control…then even listed the Presidents
(Republicans and Democrats alike) that did it. O M G
SO after reading that, here’s my beef:
Gun control is a hot button issue right now. Like piping hot. Like hot
dayum hot. But it’s an even hotter issue because our country is so
polarized. Other countries have had no problem getting “bipartisan”
support on passing gun laws. Other Presidents in THIS COUNTRY from
BOTH PARTIES have been able to get bi-partisan support on gun laws. So
why, after the most horrific mass shooting in US history, can’t we
fucking get bipartisan support for gun laws? What has happened in the
last 4/5 years that has made winning more important than morality? Who
spit in whose sand box that made all the kids not want to play
together anymore?
It’s not just the lack of support for gun laws; it’s the lack of ANY
coherent dual-party plan to stop violence in America. You’ve got
hypocritical, contradictory, statements from the NRA calling for
violent video game regulation right before they themselves release a
violent video game. You’ve got Boehner stamping his foot and saying no
to every plan like a 3 year old who is tired but DOES NOT WANT NAP
TIME. And you’ve got Obama putting the VP in charge of an issue that
in this pathetic day and age of politics NEEDS support from both
sides. Biden is as diplomatic as my right shoe going on my left foot.
I guess my point is- get it the fuck together Washington. Stop playing
the zero sum game of politics Washington and remember that 23 children
were murdered in cold blood on our soil. For god’s sake if Fox news
can publish a non bias article on gun control then I think you guys
can figure this one out.

-King George’s equally tyrannical mistress

"Every man, knowing to the smallest detail all the complexity of the conditions surrounding him,..."

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 23:48:48 -0500

“Every man, knowing to the smallest detail all the complexity of the conditions surrounding him, involuntarily assumes that the complexity of these conditions and the difficulty of comprehending them are only his personal, accidental peculiarity, and never thinks that others are surrounded by the same complexity as he is.”

- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (via myrrhman)

If somebody robbed my bank leaving me broke, forcing me to sell my home, leaving me homeless—...

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 00:52:08 -0500

If somebody robbed my bank leaving me broke, forcing me to sell my home, leaving me homeless— if somebody did that to me and then got caught I’d expect them to pay me back.
So when the greed of the rich and few robbed hundreds of thousands of Americans of their homes..are they really “bums” and “worthless” and “incompetent” for thinking they deserve their money back?

Since when did being a Democrat mean you’re poor and unemployed? Social Media is making me...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 16:09:20 -0500

Since when did being a Democrat mean you’re poor and unemployed? Social Media is making me sick right now.

Fall Out to Taking Back the Dashboard...Just let me Drive

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 02:06:32 -0400

I’m on the verge..I’m always on the verge. Or the ledge. I’m always on one or the other. The verge of something great. The ledge that separates me from horrible. Where is the sometimes? I’m always on the verge or the ledge and I’m tired of the extremes. Where is the platou? The middle ground? Highs and lows are for the addicts and the manics..and I swear to God I’m clean. But as for the manic part— I can’t guarantee I’m sane. But, in this world of chaos, sane would be the worst thing to be..you’d go crazy.

Point is— I’d like to be in the middle for awhile. Sure I ride the highs and wait out the lows. But I’d love sometime to just be content. On the highs I’m riding the wave, but there’s always the worry of a typhoon in the back of my mind. With the lows I have a hard time seeing past Dashboard Confessional lyrics; “breathing is a foreign task, thinking’s just too much to ask” and yes I’m measuring the minutes.

Yes life is incredible, yet starving.. and insatiable. And I appreciate the lyrics that remind me of that. But where is the part of life that doesn’t require me to think? Sometimes I want to know what I’m gonna get. Sometimes I want to be the dealer instead of playing the hand I’m dealt.

There is no such thing as free will when all of our choices are dependent on factors beyond our control. I can’t help feeling like a puppet..or a singer in a punk rock band.

My Journey Through the Rabbot Hole

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 19:54:05 -0400

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting lately, something I a lot of us don’t do nearly enough, and I made some great revelations that I actually happy about discovering. The best way to describe it is that I’ve had a few sleeping masks on in the past 8 years and they’ve made my dreams pretty vivid.

I wore this one mask all throughout high school. I had this dream where I had to be friends with everyone to feel liked. So I did it. I morphed myself into a person that fit every mold and I loved it. I prided myself on having a lot of friends and being liked. When I got to college some of my new friends tried to wake me up from this dream and ripped my mask off. I put a new one on before I got a glimpse of the actual world. This mask gave some great dreams too. I still had to be liked, but I wanted more, I wanted respect from the people that I respected. How well I was like measured how happy I was and how well I was respected by specific people measured the kind of person I was. The problem with this mask was that it gave me nightmares too. Sometimes I’d find myself in a place where I wasn’t liked or respected. I had to work at getting it all back. So once I returned to my dream like state I threw that mask off and put one on that let me think that those nightmares weren’t that bad, it kept me in a dream so far away that my level of respect and popularity was untouchable. This mask drowned out the whispers that I was once so attuned to. Factors, not people, took this mask off and those factors tried their best to bring me down to earth. But I couldn’t sleep that way.

I shut my eyes so tight until I realized I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t dream, and I broke. I dropped everything but my priority to find a mask that would let me sleep and dream, not the happiest of dreams, but the most distracting ones. Ones that would help me forget the times where my eyes were exposed. I found a few of those masks and they made me forget but they were numbing. I had my dreams but the masks were laced with Novicane. I couldn’t feel anything. That’s not what I wanted.

I disposed of these tainted masks and spent some time with my eyes closed just breathing. Suddenly the real world didn’t seem so blinding. I slowly opened my eyes. For the first time I’m seeing the actuality of the things around me. And they were a combination of some of my past best dreams and my worst nightmares. But there weren’t extremes. It wasn’t a dream or a nightmare. It was a dream with a dark tint to it, it was a nightmare with a silver lining. And here it comes, my epiphany-

The real world isn’t mean to be euphoric. It isn’t this realm of striving to be one perfect entity. It exists to let us know that we’ve been dreaming. To bring light to the disillusioned. For me it exists so I know that it’s unrealistic to like and to be liked by everyone, that I can’t actually have actually respect through my dream like self. Nightmares do what they’re supposed to do, wake us up. So back to reality, this is me grounded.

It’s not that I need to be this perfect dream like person to be morale. I just need to change my raw unmasked self. Of course I want to be respected, especially by those whom I hold in high esteem. But they’re idealized in my dreams. I can’t base every action of mine on what they might think about it. So there’s my epiphany. I’m awake and when I sleep it’s the real me; flawed, changing, and bettering, that wakes up aware and truly rested.

Aurora Calls for a Cleanse of the Aura

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 20:23:46 -0400

Kind of realizing all these events happened last week..but I want to talk about them anyway. So much for concise.

Aurora Colorado. A tragedy happened.

Never have I ever seen so many facebook posts, tweets, and pictures of NRA propaganda**. Really? Is this really the time to rally the gun lovers of this country? “We’ve got a right to protect our second amendment right”. Cool. Tell that to the 12 dead and 64 wounded.

I try to be open minded. I’m not a huge fan of guns but I get why people keep small handguns in their drawers, I understand why people like to hunt with riffles, although bow and arrows seem like they’d have the primitive feel. But I don’t think anyone can ever justify to me why an average citizen should ever own/need a semi automatic weapon. 2nd Amendment or not.

I’m all about the constitution. I spent 5 months studying just the framework and that might be the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I love the Amendments, they keep me from blogging without being lynched (God Bless the South). But G D the Constitution is a living document. Amendments like the sacred Second are it’s life line’s. They allow it to evolve with time. So let it.

Some call regulating guns an encroachment on a basic liberty. But I’m pretty sure the right to not be shot at with a weapon designed for mass bullet output is a little higher on the list.

-Getting of my high horse..with my hands up so please..don’t shoot

** I hate that I used the word propaganda

Chic-Fil-e and the USA

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 19:47:43 -0400

There are so many things that have happened this week that I don’t where to start. I also don’t know at what point the length of my blog becomes so off putting that no one attempts to read it. I’ll try to be concise.

SO Chic-Fil-e. I know that this is last weeks news but for me the controversy happened today. My not so bright brother in law made a facebook post saying that Chic-Fil-E had every right to outwardly voice it’s opinion about homosexuals, and that he and the rest of our armed forces are fighting everyday to protect our right to free speech.. like Chic-Fil-E exercised..and that people shouldn’t boycott Chic-Fil-E.. because their chicken is still good..and because boycotts have been proven to not work..

Wait a sec. Boycotts don’t work? Can anyone else feel the ground shaking from Rosa Parks to summersaults in her grave? #1. Yes Chic-Fil-E does have the freedom to say whatever they want..just as my bro in law has the freedom to post idiotic thoughts on facebook..but that doesn’t mean either of them should. I’m not business major but I’d like to think I know the etiquette, and I think rule number one is don’t piss off the customers. Chic-Fil-E got what was coming to them. #2. God Bless the Troops but if I asked any of them what they’re serving for I don’t think anyone would say, “for freedom, prosperity, ..and the goodness of chicken sandwiches.” #3. Could a business major of any sort explain to me how lack of business generates more revenue? Lastly, just because we have the freedom of speech doesn’t mean we should utter every errant thought we’ve ever had (thank god) and then hide behind the constitution.

Bawk Bawkk

WHOOOOOPS

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 12:37:36 -0400

That awkward moment when republicans realize that the main provisions they have a problem with in Obama’s health care bill came from Mitt Romney’s universal health care bill in Massachusetts..

There isn’t anything in the world I hate more than ignorant people.

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 13:41:40 -0400

There isn’t anything in the world I hate more than ignorant people.

What did I just say

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 23:38:42 -0400

You grow up, you change, we all like to think that we’re evolving..but are we? I think we spend so much time wrapped up in the person that we are, that we forget certain amazing aspects of the person we used to be. I’m 22..I’d like to think that I’m so much older and more mature than I was at 18 etc, But am I? I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ve managed to surround myself with people who make me feel comfortable being the slight degenerate that I think I might be.

But is that so bad? People like me. I like me. Or..I did like me until this morning. I met up with an old friend, someone who brought out the best and saw the best in the old me. Genuine is what I’m struggling with. Am I the cheap synthetic leather that’s massed produced and people buy it because it’s cheap but effective? …That came out a lot sluttier than intended. Or am I the genuine leather, that people have to invest in because they know it’s real and long lasting..now I’m starting to sound like a Trojan ad. The POINT is I’m at an impasse..with pigskin..and it’s a toss up..pun intended.

Moral of my immoral story is that I realize that I can’t please everyone..including myself. You either want synthetic or authentic..or if you’re with PETA you want a ball made out of tofu.

But hey at the end of the day, at least i’m—-Punny

If there's a contradiction..check your premises..wait what?

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 08:36:35 -0400

Romney totally stomps on Obama’s quote about needing more teachers, firefighter, and police men…by saying that the notion was CRAZAY and we need less government control. SO chaos from lack of policing, a stupider constituency, and more holidays for pyros. But thank GOD that we are cutting back on government control. It’s clearly proved detrimental to the progression of our society.

-Go Wisconsin… … wait

"Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low..."

Tue, 29 May 2012 23:44:57 -0400

“Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low and you can still intrude into American politics”

- George Will

My Great Compromise

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:43:28 -0400

It’s campaign season. Both sides are ready to go to war over who can better run this country. The problem is we’re taxing this bracket and not that. The problem is abortion. The problem is gun control. The problem is our president isn’t a citizen. The problem is Mitt Romney is a polygamist.

In reality, and this is based off my less than four years and elementary political knowledge, the problem is Polarity. When did compromise make someone look weak? Republican or Democrat or Libertarian or Green party, they’re all just trying to do the same thing. Make our country better. And none of the leaders of these parties are all together stupid..it’s basically a requirement to have some kind of Ivy degree. But really, preach to me with your undergrad knowledge about how this side is stupid or that side is dumb. They’re not dumb they’re polarized.

I liked Mitt Romney for a grand total of 2 seconds because he was toeing the double yellow line between both ways of the road. But to win he had to be ultra conservative. WHY. Ultra anything isn’t working right now. Our founding fathers spent 4 months trying to create this country. And if they were ANYTHING like who we are now..we’d still be writing the first line of the constitution. No one 300 years ago got everything they wanted…why should we think that it’s ok now? Let’s repaint this double yellow we’ve painted in our road toward national success. Let’s bring back the dotted lines that allow some flexibility and let’s us drive on the other side for awhile.

In the end it will get us where we’re going quicker.

A wrong Left doesn't make a Right right

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:43:24 -0400

I’m pretty open minded. I respect the fact that people have different political and ideological views. And I try really hard (with the occasional slip up) to not be pious or condescending when listening to the 180 of what I believe…why can’t people follow my beautiful (and humble) lead?

Fact of the matter is there people on both sides that are so ignorant they know exactly what’s eating Gilbert Grape.

Being a Democrat or a Liberal doesn’t make a person stupid, just like being a Republican or a conservative does not make you smart. In fact if anything it probably makes you a little close minded. (I say that as open-mindedly as possible)**

I see all of these people posting things about drug tests for welfare, ef Obama, socialism is taking my money, repeal Obamacare, etc.

Back Up. I’m 22. Most of my friends are around that age. They’re talking as if they’re in the minority 1%. NONE OF US ARE IN THAT 1%. In fact we’re all 22..so last Saturday night when you got your stomach pumped and only had to pay your $10 copay bc daddy’s health insurance covered you, that was thanks to your socialist president who extended the age of coverage from 21 to 26…fucking Marxists right?

In my life it seems that the people bitching about current public policy are the people who it is helping the most at the moment. The government isn’t taking all of your money because you don’t have any. You want to complain about the government encroaching on your freedoms..except when it comes to being pro choice..There a fallacies on both sides of the spectrum people, nobody’s perfect.

Point of this rant is-you want to bitch and complain make sure you’re looking to the left and not just the right because traffics coming from both ways. And don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Sincerely, Moderate

**open-mindly is not a real word

But in all honesty..neither is Obamacare